aim and ignite

I dread going to work

I don’t really fit in anywhere here anymore

rantings

I’ve pretty much lost all respect and trust in my doctor, and perhaps all doctors. Before, I thought Dr. de Bruin was a doctor who was in the profession to actually help people by treating their illnesses with the correct treatments. However, now I’m left wondering if all those theories about doctors accepting monetary incentives from pharmaceutical companies are actually true. The thing that has changed my opinion of doctors is their over-willingness to prescribe powerful mind altering drugs at the mere mentioning of the word ‘depression’. In my case, the word wasn’t even depression. It was maybe ‘anxiety’ or perhaps just the presence of tears. We’re taught that doctors know best, and that they have their patients’ best interest in mind. It’s unfortunate that something like this, something that seems so obvious and true, might not even be so. 
So here’s my story.
After a strange period of crying and obsessive worrying about certain things, I approached my doctor for help. Surprisingly to me, she recommended antidepressants right off the bat. True, this episode of anxiety is something that has happened to me before, but I never felt quite comfortable or ‘right’ about the idea of taking a medication. Still, I gave it a try. I gave it the six week try that is recommended. After said six weeks, I did not feel any better. Upon telling this to my doctor her response was to prescribe me another drug to add. When this was met with my objection, she made me feel as if I, not being a doctor, did not have the right to want to quit the medication altogether. And so, I began the Wellbutrin.
The first week was strangely good and I felt happy. After that, though, I was left feeling anxious and just not quite right. I decided to stop both medications on my own, without my doctor’s advice. This was mostly due to the fact that I didn’t feel like waking up a eight o’clock to make an appointment. I did it correctly, slowly tapering off of each drug until stopping completely. So far, I feel better than I did on the medications. From what I’ve been told, this isn’t what typically happens. Supposedly going off “too soon”, as two months is supposed to be, leads to horrible relapses and withdrawal side effects. Apparently, not so.
My problems with the medical system don’t exactly lie in any of the above mentioned issues, though. My problem with my doctor was that I was prescribed these powerful drugs without ANY warning of side effects, possible adverse reactions, or the probable difficulty with eventually stopping the medication. I may not appear very mature or intelligent, Dr. de Bruin, but I think I can understand the basics about how these drugs work and the issues with them. When I asked her to describe the first drug, I was told it was “safe, not addictive, and had few side effects”. From the research I’ve been forced to do on my own, none of this appear to be 100% true. When I asked about the second drug, I was met with confusion, confusion to the fact that I was even asking. I’m sorry, but is wanting to know about what you put into your body that uncommon? Throughout all of these prescriptions and appointments, I was told to come back for follow-ups. Never was a follow-up actually booked for me. That was up to me to do. 
So, after all of this ‘help’, I am left feeling oddly shaky and dizzy with strange jitters. That’s the best way I can describe them. Hopefully, I haven’t done any permanent damage to my body. 
I suppose my overall point of this strange writing on my walk to work has been that I was very unhappy with the way my doctor was so quick to prescribe these drugs to me. Never did I say I was depressed. Never did I say I was suicidal, or even that I felt overly sad. I feel that such brain chemical-altering substances should be reserved for people with serious depression. True, whatever was happening to me was interfering with my life, but clearly what was prescribed to me did nothing to help it. Or, if it did, it took going off of said prescribed medication to take effect. 
Ultimately, I was just very let down with my entire experience with my doctor during such a desperate period in my life. 

I like you way too much to let this ruin everything.
Why does my mind need to be so fucked up and obsess over things that aren’t real?
I just want to feel normal and happy again.
This happened too suddenly to make any sense.